No matter how much money you have in our modern world, it is still damn hard to be a celebrity. You work day and night to build your reputation and keep your glorified image intact. And that's only the beginning. It is hard to drive without totalling your vehicle. It is hard to put on underwear before entering your vehicle. It is hard to refuse cocaine. 

Once upon a time, Dallas had his 21st birthday at a rental house. Sounds fun. What happened? "You know, just the normal stuff,” said Dallas. He passed out at 10 o'clock, and while he was resting 300 inspired adolescents renovated his humble abode. The Po Po didn't like their handiwork and made everybody leave. 

Yeah...right on! Sounds badass! I’m telling you right now, you can forget what you think you know about Dallas Singer. For you see the truth is, he is famous and my word does he know it. Don't believe me? Check his computer's browser history. “I try my best not to, but sometimes I just need a little ego hit, you know? I haven’t got a Wikipedia profile yet though, you know you’ve made it when someone writes a Wiki page on you.”

Whenever I forget how good I am, I ask my mother. I know that regardless of how unattractive, unsuccessful and unskilful Dallas makes me feel, she will roll away the clouds of insecurity and fabricated praise will beam down upon me. For you see the difference between Dallas and the common man (for demonstrational purposes will be represented by yours truly) is that I google my name and see more successful and prolific versions of myself. Dallas sees an endless queue of fanatical bodyboarders vying for a piece of his juicy, talented man-meat. Mmmmmm. "I do have time for my grom fans, I get quite a bit of mail from kids on MySpace. It's good to hear sometimes that you’re admired for something you do by people you don’t know too. Makes me feel like I'm doing something for a reason."

So noble, so sincere. So tasty! Tasty tasty premium rump, medium rare.  

It is commonly accepted that Dallas wouldn't be where he is today without Box Beach. In my own highly scientific and credible opinion, Dallas was born to a surrogate mother. Much like the story of Mary's virgin birth, 'Boxy' performed artificial insemination on the chosen woman to create the golden child. The ring had found its Frodo. Inseparable through youth, they learnt from one another, understood one another and thus formed a harmonious relationship with core values of love, trust and mutual respect. Soon enough, Dallas found his way into a magazine or ten. Somewhat inevitably, so did Boxy. "I was a little worried after the vid 'Leroy' was released, but all the locals embraced it while it was being produced, so I didn't see any harm in showing the world how amazing the place is for bodyboarding. If people haven't caught on to how good boxy is yet I doubt they ever will. I do feel partly responsible already for an increased crowd, but it’s a positive crowd, one that will respect the place and others who surf there."

These days when Boxy is on, you can bet your balls that any bodyboarder who lives within a 100-mile radius will be in that line up. As a result, the talent on show is increasing at a ridiculous rate due to a common competitive drive to boost higher than the kid next to you. It is the same reason there is a thriving bodyboard club that calls the beach home. There is a rare sense of community that gets shat on every time a hatchback full of Desmonds turn up from down the coast. Just kidding, the concept of localism is about as logical as genocide. But this is about Dallas and his beach. His beach for him. "It's the best feeling knowing so many young local guys are going to have that place to enjoy just like me and my friends did and still do."

For this reason it is not a matter of if but when the Boxy juggernaut makes its next video appearance. And equally as such, the time is nearing when the prodigal son begins filming the movie that every bodyboarder with a clue is desperately waiting for. "I'd love to make a bio-pic one day, and yeah, I guess it would include a Box section. Or two, or three. I don't think a lot of people realise how much effort goes into those things though; Ben's movie took near three years to make. Not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet. Maybe a short film that gets released over the net, or free with a board. That would be cool. I'd be keen to design it too."

In the past year alone, the appetite for a tender cut of Singer sirloin has spread amongst bodyboarding circles faster than Usain Bolt with swine flu. A new range of signature boards, another impressive Hawaii season, a few casual covers. Lately he can't put a foot wrong - possibly a side effect of his self diagnosed 'nice guy syndrome'. "Really talented riders just have less bad surfs, and that’s something that makes them so good. I try not to think about it, if I’m having fun and laughing the bad waves off I’m happy, and that’s usually when I'm surfing my best too.”

Confident - yep. Conceited? Maybe. Despite my insistence, Dallas remains adamant that his adorable moniker holds no significance in his rise to bodyboarding royalty.                                                                                                                           

"I doubt it. Hopefully it helps when I decide to take on Hollywood. I wonder if my name could sell action films?"

By day he is the friendly neighbourhood Islamic priest. By night he is a ruthless killer hell-bent on enlightening his spiritual enemies. Dallas Singer is -

MOHAMMED MOHAMMED SADEQ AL-SADR. 

Dallas is incredibly marketable, the complete package. He has more pulling power than a teenage boy with the house to himself. If I were drowning, he could probably sell me a glass of water, and I would then proceed to drink it before I die as a sign of respect. The best part is that it all comes naturally, which is precisely what separates him from his less interesting competitors. '"I don't work on my image, I'm just me. I act the same around anyone that I meet. Well at least I think I do." In more ways than one, Dallas is aesthetically pleasing. On numerous occasions (and speaking on behalf of many), I have found myself questioning my sexual orientation upon sighting him. Which brings us to the purpose of this article – the reason why you are all really reading this. It is time to find out what we all really want to know about Dallas Singer. The shocking, scandalous, and slightly distorted truth:

"I'm far from gay, but I reckon I'd have a crack at Hugh Jackman."

Yup, he said it. Sort of. Sort of like how this piece of fictitious homo-erotica is a fitting conclusion to this chapter of Dallas Singer's promising bodyboarding career.